Like a well-coiffed phoenix rising from tastefully-appointed ashes, Martha Stewart finished her court-mandated house arrest and immediately began taking over planet Earth. First, it was the debut of her daytime talk show -- and now its her very own version of NBC's "The Apprentice."

That Mark Burnett is a genius.

Over a montage of her immaculate estate, the Domestic Diva herself opens the show explaining how she became the first female self-made babillion-gazillionaire (it's true -- I looked it up) that she is today. She started branding herself in 1982 and began her signature line for K-Mart in 1987. Later, she made nice with Time Warner and started her namesake magazine. But the most pivotal moment of her career was when she borrowed $85 million, bought her magazine back from Time Warner and started using $1,000 bills as guest towels in the downstairs lavatory. It's true -- I looked it up.

The show glosses over the Martha's recent run-in with the law, but now that she's out of the pokey, Martha wants to find herself a true "Apprentice" -- someone with big creative ideas and who can be a team player.

We're now inside the offices of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia Incorporated 'R' Us -- and Martha's saying hi to everyone like she actually knows them. As Martha surveys the scene, she lets us know that the 16 candidates will be living in a loft right on this very floor -- mere steps away from her office.

The candidates arrive and are greeted by British secretary Julia -- Martha's very own version of the Donald's lovely Robin. Martha then introduces the audience to her "lieutenants," daughter/consultant Alexis Stewart and Chairman of the Board Charles Koppleman, and has the candidates follow her into a light, airy conference room.

What's this? Drama already? It seems that Charles and candidate Bethenny know each other through Charles' daughter (and apparently his son), but neither knew the other was involved in the TV show. The looks on the other candidates' faces are priceless. But Charles insists he can be fair, and Bethenny stays in the game.

After Martha explains who she's looking for, she sends the candidates to their new loft. It's quintessentially "Martha." Over glasses of champagne, one reads Martha's opening message: They are to divide into two teams based on shared interest. The group naturally divides into "creative" and "corporate" teams. The artsy-fartsy folks name their team Matchstick -- "The Start of Something Big," and the business-types name their team Primarius. Maybe because it sounds Roman and important. I'm not sure. Already, Matchstick's Jim is making a fool of himself, making fun of gay people and generally being obnoxious.

The next morning, Martha calls the loft and has the candidates meet her in the lobby of Random House, the publishing giant. Chip Gibson and Ann Schwartz will judge the first task, wherein each team will pick a fairy tale and adapt it to a modern kid audience.

Jeff, a designer, is the project manager of Matchstick -- and he decides they should do a "hip, urban" version of "Hansel and Gretel." Dawna, project manager at Primarius, tries to reign in her team once they decide to update "Jack and the Beanstalk."

Candidate Dawn apparently has a Master's degree in literature and writes for a living, so she offers her services as Matchstick's book writer. However, her loud and obnoxious (read: Jim) teammates are making it too difficult for the poor, pissy Dawn to work. When she complains to Jeff, he placates her by deciding to write the book himself. Good plan.

Jeff writes a sorta-rhyming story about Hansel and Gretel wanting to not only change their names, but also deciding to run away from home without Mom's permission. This, naturally, doesn't go over well -- but the story really floats Jeff's boat, and apparently his opinion is all that matters.

The following morning, Dawn wants to have a banana before she does a dry run of reading Matchstick's completed book aloud. This brings out the true diva nature in cranky Jeff, who not only fires Dawn as book reader but also threatens her with visions of him naked and showering. Jeff gives the task to Shawn, the professional news reader.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, Primarius is working together pretty well.

At Random House, a group of first graders is ushered into the reading room. Charles, Alexis, Chip and Ann sit behind a two-way mirror and are joined by Teams Matchstick and Primarius, respectively. Shawn reads the story, and the children listen -- but they don't seem very enthusiastic. But when Howie comes in with Primarius' "Jack and the Beanstalk," the kids hang on practically every work and burst into spontaneous applause at the end. Uh oh.

M. Diddy joins Chip and Ann, as well as the candidates, and is told that Primarius' book was today's victor. Their reward is a fabulous dinner with a famed NYC sushi chef. It's during dinner that Howie, in interview, admits he may be falling in love with Ms. Stewart. That'd be funny.

Matchstick enters the conference room, and -- as per "Apprentice" tradition -- backstabbing, name-calling and complaining ensue. Most of it towards Dawn, but some laid onto Jeff and Jim. Martha admits that she found the "Hansel and Gretel" story alarming; as a parent, she couldn't understand telling a kid it's okay to run away. Martha asks Jeff, as the losing project manager, to pick two other people to face the chopping block. Naturally, he chooses negative Dawn and obnoxious Jim.

Surprisingly, Dawn finds an ally in Jim and they both explain that Jeff's hard-headed direction and his poor attempts at literature were the real reasons behind Matchstick's failure. Martha agrees.

And here it is, folks -- Martha's "Apprentice" catchphrase -- for this week at least: "You just don't fit in. Goodbye."

After telling Jim "I look forward to your failing" -- meow! -- Jeff's slow-motion departure is underscored by what looks like another "Apprentice: Martha" custom: Martha takes out a pen and paper and writes a letter to Jeff, explaining why she's sad to see him go and wishing him well on all future endeavors. She's one classy broad, ain't she?

Next week, the teams are asked to run flower shops -- a task that apparently makes one person want to quit, moves another to tears in the conference room and finds Martha writing another letter.

It's a good thing.

-- Courtney Potter lives in Los Angeles, writes the "TV Best Bets" column for Zap2it.com and wears an ankle bracelet tracking device -- but just for fun.